I finally got new contacts that don’t spontaneously adhere to one another when removed from my eyes. These new ones can be worn for up to 6 days without having to take them out, so of course, I planned on wearing them until forced by gunpoint to remove them, but the contacts had other plans. I’ve already had three pairs in my eyeballs since last Monday and today my left eye is completely blurry. Which is great when your job consists of, you know, proofreading documents comprised of tiny type.

I’ve learned that although these contacts do not bind themselves to each other in compromising positions, I cannot rub my eyes ever when wearing them, as the contacts then get bored and relocate to inconvenient areas of my eye sockets to do further long-term damage to my vision. Also, it appears that they have enlisted the assistance of my eyelashes, as I have removed approximately 32,779 of them from my left eye.

I am becoming increasingly concerned with lash-baldness.